I wouldn’t normally waste my time (or yours) reviewing such a stinking piece of shit as this, but since Snake River Conspiracy goes so far out of its way to suck I thought I would oblige it with a few words. How does a former member of Third Eye Blind butchering another lame-ass version of The Smiths’ “How Soon Is Now? sound to you?” What about a watered down semi-industrial version of The Cure’s “Lovesong” complete with breakbeats? Still reading? Ex-Third Eye Blind bassist Jason Slater hooked up with some S&M wannabe for an album’s worth of candy-ass industrial goth music, which pretty much boils down to poor-man’s Garbage. Actually, that might be giving it too much credit- this is the type of music that should be permanently relegated to Greg Araki’s film soundtracks.

Yes, I think I’ve hit on something there. Listening to Snake River Conspiracy makes me feel just as ashamed and embarrassed as I felt watching Araki’s The Doom Generation. That film was so bad I watched twice just to make sure it was the worst thing I had ever seen. Araki’s penchant for mind-numbingly-bad dialogue and absurdly unfunny cameos parallels Snake River Conspiracy’s abysmal, shock-hungry lyrics and unfortunate cover choices. This record will be popular despite its enormous suck factor, though, because there are droves of Korn fans in the world that will spoon-feed this tripe and then lick the bowl clean. For some reason a girl dressed like Betty Page screaming ‘fuck’ is still considered ‘subversive’ to some people. I’m pretty confident that bands like The Cure and The Smiths would rather not be associated with this type of stereotypical pandering to the unfortunate ‘gothic’ counterculture.

I’m actually astounded that the cover art doesn’t feature the singer naked or at least flaunting her Hustler-ready body. Tobey Torres looks like a porno version of Xena, The Warrior Princess (that might be redundant) with her black bangs and husky physique. Maybe Snake River Conspiracy should just drop the whole “music” charade and jump straight into the gothic porn scene. That’s bound to be an untapped niche. Slater could compliment Torres’ XXX scenes with his hackneyed techno-metal dirges.

Surprisingly, though, Torres can carry a tune. She whispers, whines, and shrieks her way through formless Nine Inch Nails imitations like “Vulcan.” Here’s a sample lyric: “You’re sucking on my thumb just like the child you think I am.” Millions of fat goths will surely masturbate wildly to this one. If any of you fat goths are reading this, I recommend the “rosy palm” technique. Just apply a small amount of lubricant to the palm of your hand. Then gently rub the head of your penis against it until, well, that ‘funny’ feeling happens. But instead of a Kleenex, please use the Snake River Conspiracy CD to clean yourself up.